Frankenfido

Plot
Tim, with Bill in a dog costume go up against Graeme's exotic new breeds in the Crufts dog show.

Summary
Graeme has set up his own dog breeding kennels in a splendid former church in the countryside, and is busy taking inventory with a nurse as his assistant (who fills a bowl with Duluxe paint to feed an Old English Sheepdog!) Graeme prepares a series of new breeds for registration with the Kennel Club, including a curly-coated bull corgi for the Queen and a "dear little Toy St. Bernard" (with his quip of "He's a barrel of fun" drawing a few groans from the audience) and checks his 'breeding basket' ("How are you two doing in there, hey? Feeling sexy?! Where's your missus?") only to find that his chihuahua has been gobbled up by a bigger, hungrier dog. Graeme ticks the nurse off and reminds her to "always give (the dogs) a good meal before breeding", then tells her to put a larger dog in, which "should come up with something interesting" and after he adds "a touch of the old hormones" from an aerosol can, he tells the first dog "Now this time think less about your stomach and more about your … er, just get on with it!" Graeme has also prepared a new novelty breed for Tim and Bill to enter in the upcoming Crufts dog show, but he can't find it among his stocks (casually - and callously - hurling several small dogs out of their pens while frantically searching for it!), only to eventually locate the parcelled-up dog when he sits on it. Tim and Bill soon receive "Rover", their new 'long-haired pug', by "special delivery" (as the brown paper package is lobbed at Tim by the postman when Bill answers the door!); however they are rather disappointed with its appearance (as Bill comments "Y'now, I reckon Graeme just sent us the top of an old mop!") and its inactivity and lack of response to their commands (Tim: "Come on. Die for the Queen." Bill (bluntly) "I reckon he already has done!") Graeme's breeding notes that accompany Rover note that it has "a quiet disposition" (though Bill grumbles "Bound to be quiet if it's dead, isn't it?!"), and eventually Tim and Bill manage to get Rover to do a trick or two and have a hearty drink and feed (though this leads to Rover unloading a deep green-coloured piddle all over the table and himself, with Bill firstly wringing him out by hand and then putting him through the mangle afterwards for good measure!) Tim and Bill are keen to enter Rover into Crufts (Bill: "Tell you what, we'll groom him, we'll put his hair in curlers … he can borrow yours!", to a snooty look from Tim), but they are annoyed to find that Graeme has not only produced a dog for them, but is breeding hundreds of other novelty dogs for entry in Crufts as well (to which Bill huffs "The miserable breeder!") They ride the trandem to his kennels to complain (with Rover sitting on the back seat and Bill sitting in Graeme's usual spot), only to find that Graeme has got carried away with his success. Graeme proudly tells them that he has "already totally exhausted all the possibilities of breeding dogs … with dogs!", and has now progressed to breeding dogs with other animals instead. Tim thinks that Graeme has gone loony as Graeme shows off his successes (such as a chihuahua/rock salmon-cross that "can do 100 metres freestyle faster than Mark Spitz") and failures (notably the cocker spaniel/parrot-cross that repeatedly dive-bombs him before it crashes to the floor with a yelp and gets unceremoniously flung away afterwards) while Bill throws Rover away in disgust at Graeme's oversupply of the novelty breeds market. Rover ends up in Graeme's hormone cupboard and after much whimpering and scratching, a litter of tiny white puppies flee out of the cupboard and underneath the main door. Tim and Bill head back to Graeme's kennels after an unsuccessful pursuit of Rover and her puppies ("They'll be all over England by now.) only to find that Rover's antics have led Graeme to make "a major scientific breakthrough." Graeme comes to the conclusion that Rover had been alone in the hormone cupboard for ten minutes with only a white feather duster as a possible suitor ("Those pups are the spitting image of their Dad!") and this gives him some even loonier ideas for creating new breeds of dogs by mating them with items of furniture (such as a "straight-backed Chippendale chair") in a suitably romantic atmosphere with a dash of hormones. The Novelty Breeds section of the Crufts Ideal Dog Exhibition is soon graced by Graeme's canine-furniture creations (such as a North Sea Gas Dalmatian stove and a Royal Flush King Charles lavatory) and Tim and Bill are sufficiently cheesed off by this to pull up a box of disguises backstage. Bill re-emerges in a Snoopy-like pot-bellied dog suit as "Cuddly Scamp Hairylegs of Cricklewood" and his ability to perform tricks, play musical instruments, dance and put a motorcar together easily beats all of the other dogs for the Obedience and Intelligence prize. Tim gleefully shows off the trophy ("Ooh yes, I dropped this cup, I'll just pick it up, this cup that we won …!") to a demoralized Graeme as Cuddly Scamp enhances his reputation even further by becoming 'Mastermind Of The Year' (with conveniently correct answers such as "arf", "owwll" and "ruff" to Magnus Magnesium's searching questions). This success makes Tim supremely cocky that "Cuddly Scamp will be the champ" at the Crufts Champion of Champions parade tomorrow. Graeme still has one card left to play in this limited period of time ("Well of course I can't breed anything, but I can make something!") and sets about on a "custom built model" (to Tim's horrified gasp of "You little Frankenstein!") with the help of his 'Needlework For Beginners' book and "the very best quality parts" from various celebrities (casually remarking "There's my chopping list" after he rejects Tim's legs as being "too puny!") With the help of a stormy night and lots of electrical cables and switches, Graeme manages to create a fearsome six-legged, long-nosed shaggy monster mutt called Frankenfido. However Cuddly Scamp doesn't take kindly to the last-minute arrival of Frankenfido at Crufts and a huge dogfight erupts at the Champion of Champions parade before Frankenfido takes off along the street with Cuddly Scamp, Tim and Graeme in hot pursuit. Frankenfido soon cruises around on the trandem (after knocking Tim off it) and Graeme tries to lasso him, but only manages to rope in a passing car instead (with the rope gradually uncoiling in cartoon fashion as Graeme watches before he is hauled offscreen with a loud yell!). Cuddly Scamp eventually mounts Frankenfido like a jockey and rides 'her' back to Graeme's kennels, where they are locked up together in the lab for "three days and three nights". A year later, Graeme has bundled up all of Frankenfido's body parts for return to their rightful owners, but Bill, still done up as Cuddly Scamp, is very traumatised from his experience and really thinks that he is a dog (and Graeme doesn't help by sternly ordering him to "Get off my chair Sir!") Tim and Graeme finally twig as to what Cuddly Scamp and Frankenfido actually got up to while locked up together just as there are scratching and whining noises at the door outside. Bill gets up and goes to investigate, only to find his Cuddly Scamp / Frankenfido-cross puppy excitedly yapping "Dadda! Dadda!" at him.

Classic Quotes

 * Bill: (in pain, after reaching into Rover's long hair) "It bit me!" Tim: "Can't have, that's the wrong end!"
 * Tim: (to Bill, appalled at Graeme's loony dog breeding experiments) "He's gone, he's flipped his trolley. Ring the funny farm, would you?!" Bill: (indignantly) "Not likely, I don't want to miss this! … You mean you've bred a mouse with that great thing?!" (a Great Dane) Graeme: (proudly) "I certainly have." Bill: (curious) "What do you get?" Graeme: (standing by a huge hole in the wall with a piece of cheese near it) Not too sure, he just won't come out … Thank God!"
 * Graeme: "You saw those little puppies, right? Now we all know who the mother was?" Tim: (proudly) "Our Rover." Graeme: (excitedly) "But who was the father?" Bill: (indignantly) "Well it wasn't me! … Tim?" Tim: "(thinks for a moment) … No!"
 * Graeme: (putting a dog into the breeding basket, which contains an elephant) "Here you are darling, in you go. Close your eyes and think of Crufts!"
 * Graeme: (annoyed at losing to Tim's dog at Crufts) "Cuddly Scamp? Come off it! We all know it's just Bill in a skin." Tim: "It is not." Graeme: "It is." Tim: (incredulously) "Can you see Bill winning an obedience and intelligence prize?!" Graeme: (agog) "You mean …?!" Tim: "Of course it's a real dog and it's a damn sight better than any of your loony mutts!"
 * Graeme: (putting Frankenfido together) "I am not chopping up 'poor innocent little doggies'; I'm chopping up all sorts of things! (produces a box) Look. Teeth. You wouldn't find teeth like these on a mere dog." Tim: (curious) "What are they? Horse, alligator, tiger ..." Graeme: (opens box to reveal glittering diamond-studded choppers) "Look at them." Tim: (shocked) "No! Not Donny Osmond!" Graeme: "Yep." Tim: (in horrified indignation) "You ... you've been using people! ... And Donny Osmond!!"

Classic Scenes

 * Graeme's loony breeding experiments between dogs and other animals which produce all sorts of mad mutts; including a Great Dane / mouse cross which "just won't come out" of a huge hole in the skirting board, a Yorkshire terrier / man-eating lion-cross (a "small but ferocious guard dog" for the FBI) which goes for Graeme's throat when he opens its box, a basset hound / tortoise-cross that Graeme plonks on top of a box on the table (while madly stating "Try to stop me!"), and a parrot / cocker spaniel-cross (an unsuccessful attempt at creating a "talking dog") which continually dive-bombs him before crashing heavily to the floor and being thrown away in disgust ("Oh well, can't win 'em all!")
 * Tim and Bill's mad chase (to the wonderful tune of 'Come Back') after Rover's tiny puppies have escaped from the kennels; where the pups run up Tim's leg, forcing him to laughingly strip to his undies to stop the tickling. A tug of war between Tim and Rover over the trousers results in a trouser leg being torn off and the other legful of puppies racing across the park before being cornered by Bill. The puppies escape from a bag somehow by running out of Bill's trouser leg before all returning to bite him on the bum in unison; forcing a pained Bill to race away with the puppies still firmly attached to the seat of his pants and Tim trailing behind wielding a net in hot, but vain, pursuit.
 * Graeme's even crazier mating experiments between his dogs and various items of furniture after discovering the power of the hormones; especially his attempt to mate a dog and a Chippendale chair with the help of the right atmosphere – "soft lights, sweet music, a few hormones, a little puff of French perfume" – which soon appears to pay dividends when the dog jumps up on the chair. Graeme offers plenty of encouragement ("Oh he's a randy little devil. They'll be at it like knives in a minute" … "C'mon boy! Wallop!"), which prompts a horrified Bill to exchange loony signals with Tim and declare to Graeme that "You should be locked up, you should!"
 * The making of the massive long-nosed, six legged Frankenfido from the assorted (if somewhat incorrect) body parts of Nicholas Parsons (tiny walnut-sized brain instead of hair), Robin Day (legs (with glasses and bow tie) instead of brain), Yul Brynner (tiny tuft of hair instead of legs) and Donny Osmond (glittering diamond-encrusted teeth); all expertly sewn together using 'Needlework For Beginners' and brought to life on a dark and stormy night by Graeme the loony scientist; with a shocked Tim threatening to "report (him) to the Tailwaggers Club" in retaliation!
 * The dog fight at Crufts, with Graeme hurling a bucket of water at Cuddly Scamp only to hit Tim in the face instead (with a soggy, angry Tim mouthing "You bitch!" and wrestling with Graeme before clobbering him over the head with a saucepan soon afterwards), Tim being bitten on the rear by the King Charles Lavatory, then wrestling with an armchair mutt, Graeme almost being swallowed and baked by his own North Sea Gas Dalmation stove dog, the announcer roaring "Keep your stupid mutts under control!" before ultimately cracking up and confessing that he "can't stand dogs!" Also the subsequent chase scene, especially Frankenfido riding the trandem, Graeme roping a car and only realising his error when he gets dragged off his feet and the bloke walking out of the opticians, spotting Frankenfido trotting along the footpath, throwing his new glasses away in disgust, then crashing headfirst into a lamppost!
 * The final scene with Bill as Cuddly Scamp answering scratching at the door to find a Bill Oddie / Cuddly Scamp / Frankenfido - cross puppy calling out "Dadda! Dadda!" while enthusiastically panting and wagging its tail.

Goodies Songs

 * Come Back

Crew

 * Camera: John Tiley
 * Film Editor: Ron Pope
 * Visual Effeccts: Peter Day and Len Hutton
 * Costume: Rupert Jarvis and Andrew Rose
 * Make Up: Rhian Meakin and Jean Steward
 * Lighting: Alan Horne
 * Sound: John Howell
 * Music: Michael Gibbs and Bill Oddie
 * Producer(s): Jim Franklin
 * Script:
 * Directed by: Jim Franklin
 * Production Design: Colin Green
 * Other crew: John Stout (Film design) and Peter Lovell (Production assistant)