For Those in Peril on the Sea (Goodies episode)

Plot
Graeme has been reading one too many explorer books and when he finds one about a lost island he's off, dragging Bill and Tim along as he tries to rediscover it for England before anyone else can.

Summary
Graeme sits in the bathtub and reads aloud a tale of early Viking exploration (which started with "a quick joyride around Oslo Bay"), but Bill is more intent on removing the plug and tossing giant loofahs, which puts Graeme's model Viking boat in serious peril, while Tim searches for the culprit who nicked his rubber duck. Undeterred, Graeme tells the others the story of the Lost Island Of Munga which was firstly discovered by the Vikings in 620AD (who "decided to tow it back to Norway, but the rope broke") then rediscovered by the French in 1965 (who blew it twice around the moon by detonating a H-bomb on it!) and concludes his tale with the revelation that the Lost Island of Munga now lies somewhere in the South Pacific waiting to be claimed by the country that finds it. Bill dismissively tells Graeme "Your big toe is dirty", but Tim patriotically urges that they must find the lost island for England (so that "the primitive people will learn how to wear detached collars and ties, and how to beat us at cricket!"), though he is far less enthused when told by Graeme that the voyage will be dangerous. Graeme states that he has spent all their savings on a replica of the early Viking craft and that they must set sail on "the morning tide", so they all file through the quick change cabinet. Tim emerges in smart naval attire and asks Graeme "Why are you done up as a cow?!", to which Graeme is somewhat miffed as he is dressed in period costume as a Viking. Tim refuses to go if Graeme is going to "wear silly clothes", but is even more mortified when Bill emerges in pirate garb with a massive vulture on his shoulder. Tim declares that they ought to have a proper boat launching and phones the Queen's answering service, only to get a rather rude response but also permission for her children to give them a royal send-off from Southampton. Graeme and Bill are unhappy that this solemn occasion is going to be disrupted by "Him doing Goon impressions" and "Her in her sportscar chasing foxes all over the place", but Tim assures them that the royal children will be "very well behaved". After a less-than-auspicious boat launching and forty days at sea, the Goodies are becalmed and lost somewhere in the steaming heat of the Pacific. The thermometer has been placed in the fridge because it had started to melt (giving Bill a bright red spray in the face as he takes it out of the fridge to check the current temperature – "Blimey it is hot, isn't it?!") Lou the vulture is looking decidedly unwell, as Graeme and Tim have relieved their hunger by eating him on the sly the previous night, much to Bill's disgust (until he realises that his vulture had previously been sizing him up for a feed anyway!). Although Bill cruelly guns down an albatross (with Tim worried that it will bring them bad luck) and they get an emergency parachute landing from a flying fish (dressed like Biggles with a propellor attached to its snout) to give them some much-needed food, the Goodies still sound the distress signal (a piercing wail from Bill!) and make a swim for the first boat that they see - a huge oil tanker that spews vast amounts of filthy black oil into the crystal clear Pacific Ocean. On board, the Goodies emerge from the ship's hold in clean white sailor outfits and meet the oil millionaire Stavros Monopolopolous, who is being tended to by several beautiful girls and his thick offsider Gerald. After the Goodies accuse him of being an "irresponsible lunatic", an "anti-social menace" and a "scamp" for his ecological vandalism, he tells them his sad life story, but then admits that he enjoys pouring oil into the sea and killing hundreds of fish just to "extract a little fun out of living". The oil tycoon's suspicion that the Goodies are not the "humble shipwrecked sailors" that they claim to be is aroused by their non-recognition of the bellbottoms on his sailors and this doubt is confirmed when the Goodies are unable to get through a rendition of 'There Is Nothing Like A Dame' successfully. He suggests that they might fancy "a short walk before tea" and instructs Gerald to "prepare the P-L-A-N-K" – something which Gerald takes a little while to process before he waves his gun around menacingly to force the Goodies to make a hasty jump off the plank and into the ocean. The Goodies are washed up onto the beach of Munga and Bill constructs a grass hut with a veritable carpentry shop of tools also found on the shore, while Tim plants a Union Jack flag and proudly salutes it (with a plague of flags popping up out of the sand shortly afterwards) and Graeme has to take evasive action from an exploding pineapple grenade that he has tossed away nearby. The Goodies are bemused to see a line of native girls who busily peel a stack of potatoes and then pour the baskets of chips into the sea, so they visit the local tourist office and inside they find an evil property developer (Honest Harold Higginbotham") who looks suspiciously like the oil millionaire that they crossed paths with earlier. He also reminds them of a past villain - the Music Master - and he reveals his true identity as "the Napoleon of wickedness, the most naughty man in the world. Master Of Disguises – Sussex University! Arch rascal, the prince of mischief. You may know me as … Nasty Person!" He unveils a board of his other secret identities (featuring photos of Richard Nixon, Enoch Powell, Idi Amin and David Frost; then proudly boasts "All me!") and reveals that his master plan is to fill the ocean with oil, fish and potatoes, then strike a match ("boom, burn, frizzle, fry ... fish and chips!") so that he can feed the 8000 visitors scheduled to arrive at his flashy planned holiday resort - the "Costa Munga". The Goodies are appalled by this monstrous island-spoiling scheme, but Nasty Person asks them what they are going to do about it in his usual calm menacing tone. Graeme claims that his pencil is filled with poison gas and manages to trick Nasty Person into hiding in a cupboard in the office for refuge when he snaps the pencil in half, then locks the cupboard securely. Gerald bursts into the room soon afterwards and demands to know what the Goodies have done with his boss, but Graeme impersonates Nasty Person and Gerald goes away impressed and happy - "You've disguised yourself as the Goodies! This is the best yet. Oh Boss!" The Goodies perform a rain dance with the help of the native girls (which ends up being a lively Scottish reel) to summon up a mighty storm to scare away the tourists and everything gets blown away (including the figurine ducks on the wall of the office which take flight with much quacking!) so that the Goodies and the native girls are adrift on a raft in the midst of the wild storm. A shark fin cuts the raft in half (separating the Goodies from the girls) and the Goodies battle a giant lobster and also their own clumsiness as they continually fall off their raft and into the sea. When the storm subsides, the Goodies find themselves back at Southampton (with Princess Anne still swinging helplessly from the giant champagne magnum after all this time!) and go back to the office to change out of their damp clothes (with Bill extra-keen to help the native girls to change out of their wet clothes!). The dry gear is supposedly in the Goodies' new-found cupboard, but it only contains a soggy, shivering Nasty Person with a fish in his mouth when the door is opened up.

Classic Quotes

 * Tim: (horrified at the sight of Bill's vulture) "What's that on your shoulder?!" Bill: (ruefully) "Oh, he hasn't done it again, has he!" Graeme: (surprised) "Aren't you supposed to have a parrot?" Bill: (laughing) "I have. It's in the vulture!"
 * The Queen: (on her telephone answering service) "If you want us to attend any fetes, bazaars or boat launchings ... get knotted!"
 * Stavros Monopolopolous: (after the Goodies have run out of puff singing 'There Is Nothing Like A Dame') "Aha, I knew it! You're not real sailors. That last note always sorts 'em out!"
 * Stavros Monopolopolous: "Gerald, a word in your ear ..." Gerald: (surprised) "Oh, is dere boss?!" (taps his head and sticks his finger into his ear!)

Classic Scenes

 * Bill emerging from the quick change cabinet as a pirate, complete with a vulture on his shoulder (he did have a parrot, but it's in the vulture!), a hook full of unpaid bills as his hand and a leg from Tim's desk strapped to his knee as his wooden leg (which Tim discovers is missing when he goes to sit on his desk and takes a spectacular tumble when it tips over).
 * The royal boat launching at Southampton, with Princess Anne swinging the magnum of champagne and bowling over the Goodies, the brass band, Prince Charles and the younger royals, then finally herself, before sending the Viking craft underway with a poke of her foot. She is still swinging from the bottle and calling out helplessly when the Goodies return from their expedition several weeks later.
 * The Goodies attempting to prove that they are sailors with a rousing rendition of 'There Is Nothing Like A Dame' along with the pretty girls and other sailors on the oil tanker, before running out of puff right at the end - with Stavros Monopolopolous (later known as Nasty Person) gleefully saying "Aha … that last note always sorts 'em out!" when they fail the test.
 * Their arrival and exploration of the Lost Island Of Munga to the catchy tune of 'Desert Island', including Tim milking a coconut and finding a beauty set in a clam, Bill finding jellyfish on the beach in assorted flavours, clams squirting Bill and attacking Tim, Bill having hammock trouble, Graeme finding a pineapple hand grenade and a shark chasing Bill all the way up the beach and cutting through the hut walls like a bandsaw with its fin.

Goodies Songs

 * There Is Nothing Like A Dame
 * Desert Island
 * Storm On

Mock Ads

 * Heenz Meenz Beenz - "The Best Poem I Know"
 * Animal Burgers