Camelot (Goodies episode)

Plot
Tim's Uncle lives in a medieval castle, which land developers want to take from him. While he's on holiday, he asks his nephew to guard it. Tim gets Bill and Graeme to help, but it turns out a much harder task than they thought.

Summary
Tim awaits an important letter from his Uncle King Arthur ("His name is King Arthur … well, Arthur King then!") who lives at 'Camelot' (in suburban Solihull!) along with Queen Doris, Uncle Sir Lancelot and several other royal relatives. Bill and Graeme mockingly ask if Tim's uncle also has "two big green dragons at the bottom of the garden" and reckon that he must be a loony; especially when the letter eventually arrives as a parchment scroll delivered in grand style by the King's page boy and three heralds, who are politely told "We thank you. ... Push off!" by Tim once he has accepted the letter from them. Uncle King Arthur wants Tim to look after Camelot while the family goes on holiday, and particularly to save it from the local planner from Solihull, who wants to knock it down. The planner immediately enters the Goodies' office and tries to intimidate them (with the assistance of his bowler-hatted henchmen Garth and Brutus) into selling Camelot to him, so that he can use the land to build "the Camelot Highway providing a totally unnecessary eyesore miles away from the Stonehenge power station, the Warwick Castle supermarket and the Buckingham Palace cement factory!" The planner tries to justify his actions with a sobbing "I love ancient monuments and beauty spots, but I just have to destroy them, I can't help it, I can't, I can't …" and threatens that he won't leave the room until the Goodies have signed the castle over to him. However, firstly Tim, then surprisingly Graeme, attempts a patriotic speech to 'Land Of Hope And Glory' about it being their duty to protect their heritage and defend Uncle King Arthur's property, which is enough to send the planner and his henchman running for cover for the time being. Tim has never been to visit his Uncle King Arthur ("Not likely, he's a raving loony!") and suspects that Camelot is "less of a medieval stronghold and more like a two-up, two-down", but the Goodies are soon aboard their trandem and off to defend the property in any case. To their amazement, amid a street of ordinary houses, they find that number 33 is a huge medieval castle complete with moat and drawbridge. With the Goodies there to keep a watchful eye on the place, Uncle King Arthur and his family (including "the dog Spot") walk out across the drawbridge, remove their crowns, don cloth caps instead and board the bus to exotic Bognor for their holiday! The Goodies cycle across the drawbridge and settle into Camelot, where Graeme dresses in medieval gear, but soon tires of the trite signage and photos on the interior walls. Bill refuses to take things seriously as he enters the room clad in his ridiculous "coat of arms" and wears a packet of fishfingers tied around his waist as "we've run out of codpieces!" Graeme's hearty grumble of "Good grief, does the preservation of Britain's national heritage?!" gets a reply of "Very little!" from Bill, and Tim is even less enarmoured by it as he takes great delight in hamming things up as court jester, with lots of gags from the "Des O'Connor Book Of Medieval Jests". An increasingly carried-away Graeme tells Bill to "nip down to Sainsburys and get me 20 gallons of sack, 200 starlings and a couple of dozen frozen swans. And peas." for a medieval banquet, as he decides that the best way to save Camelot from the planner is to turn it into a tourist attraction and run it like it was in the Middle Ages. Everyone who enters needs to be in medieval costume and Graeme proposes the opening of "a chain of Camelots up and down the country" if it's successful, while lauding his own genius qualities. For an entry fee of 50p, the tourists suffer all sorts of medieval mayhem (including cockfights, dancing bears and witch burning) and the money soon trickles in, as Tim proudly counts out the "38 quid" from their first day takings. Bill claims that he is about to make 40,000 pounds from the sale of the castle to the pesky planner, who has crept in and made another substantial and sorely-tempting offer ("We can buy (your uncle) a nice two-up two-down in Crawley for that!"), but Graeme promptly evicts the planner for not wearing medieval clothes before Bill can sign anything. The planner threatens to take the castle "by vacant possession" the minute that all three Goodies step outside; something which they soon have to do when a huge fire-breathing dragon terrorises a distressed damsel on the lawn outside. Although Tim looks like a black-and-white minstrel after being scorched from close range, Graeme puts out the flames (using the maiden's pointed hat as a fire extinguisher!) only to find that the dragon is merely the planner's two henchmen dressed in disguise. Their ruse works well however, as the planner (by now dressed medievally in a suit of armour as "Ye Black Knight, persecutor of the weak, oppressor of the poor, with special files for compulsory purchase … oooh what a giveaway!") has sneakily managed to take possession of Camelot in their absence. The Goodies are taken to the dungeon by the planner ("Strictly speaking, I should take you to the County Court, but this way it will be quicker and lots more fun!") and are worked over with a variety of torture methods such as the rack, a live crab and the "death of a thousand chuckles" (and some rather tortuous medieval gags too, for that matter!); however Graeme claims that the only way to decide possession of Camelot is to have a proper medieval duel for it. After a closely fought battle which involves archery, swordsmanship, jousting and other disciplines, Ye Goodies reclaim Camelot by Graeme's last-ditch use of a giant magnet to disarm - and disarmour - Ye Black Knight the planner and his henchmen just in time for the return of Uncle King Arthur and family. So Camelot is saved from the developers and can continue unchanged as in centuries past - except for the huge fluorescent 'Bingo Tonite' sign (and associated notes about daily strip and weekly drag acts!), which glows brightly on the underside of the raised drawbridge!

Classic Quotes

 * Tim: : (reading his uncle's letter aloud in a regal tone) "Hear ye. Hear ye. Hear ye. This missive writ on the 12th day of Aprilie in the year of our Lord Nineteen Seventy-Thrillie by the hand of his most gracious Majesty King Arthur of Camelot, 33 Acacia Road, Solihull to his most loyal kinsman Lord Timothy Le Goodie of London Town. (changes to a common accent) Dear Tim, Me 'n the Missus is off to the seaside for a coupla days so hows about lookin' after the old parlour for us til we get back. The key's under the drawbridge, there's a couple of frozen stags in the fridge, please feed the bloodhounds and don't forget to give the bear a bit of a dance every night. Nice one Tim, ol' son. All the best, Uncle Arthur King (Bill (interjecting) "And loony!") PS We've been having a bit of bother with the local planners lately. Scare 'em off and I'll make you Earl Of Northumbria."
 * Tim: : (as court jester) "Yes, hello, hi there folks. I've just come from entertaining an audience at the Wessex Working Burghers Club ... and right burghers they were too!"
 * Tim: : (again as jester, with backing from Bill) "Once a knight, always a knight … (naughtily) twice a night and you're doing all right …!"
 * Tim: : (impressed with Graeme, who is getting carried away) "He's quiet most of the time, but when he gets going …" Bill: (also impressed, cheekily) "He talks a load of rubbish!"
 * Graeme: (waxing lyrical) "So noble Camelot was saved from treacherous disgrace, and once again the fearless knights cried proudly ... " Bill: (fed up with Graeme's poetry) "Shut your face!!"

Classic Scenes

 * Tim playing the court jester with encouragement from Bill; who has already unloaded two dreadful jokes by wearing a "Coat of Arms" (with several extra ones sewn on for good measure!) and sporting a packet of fishfingers tied around his waist because he had "run out of codpieces". Tim's appalling puns and gags include handing a plank of wood to Bill as a "serf board", having rotating ears on his hat (which spin wildly in amazement when Graeme launches into his Camelot tour spiel), controlling a doll whose skirt frequently flips up, commenting that Joan Of Arc "had a lot at stake!" and an off joke about a Saxon and a sucking pig that finally forces Graeme to roar "That's enough!"
 * The tour of Camelot, with a lady being subjected to all sorts of medieval activities including falling from a tower while being a Rapunzel-like 'Damsel in Distress', being chased by a wild boar on wheels (which becomes a running joke throughout the scene), belting the tripe out of a fighting cock with her handbag, dancing with a bear (until it grabs her amorously around the waist), encountering medieval black-and-white minstrels crooning 'Swanee', being dunked in the moat, getting pelted with fruit while chained in stocks (though getting some revenge by chaining the Goodies in the stocks and pelting them in turn, with the bear helping to fling fruit as well) and finally enduring witch burning, requiring her to plunge into the moat to douse her smoking knickers while shrieking loudly. Her hubby keeps taking photos throughout this whole ordeal with his camera lens - and arm - getting longer and longer with each sequence until he eventually overbalances and topples into the moat at the end as well.
 * The Goodies being tortured by the planner and his henchmen, with Bill finally realising his dream ("Fine, six foot, what I've always wanted to be, thank you!") after a stretching session on the rack, Tim "just hang(ing) around" from the shackles on the wall and Graeme having a live crab dropped inside his helmet (and finding it "very tasty, what's for afters ?!" too when the planner returns to check on its progress) Tim is subjected to the "death of 1000 chuckles" by getting tickled with a feather duster and similar treatment even gets the skeleton chuckling away as well. The viewers are also tortured by more awful, but funny, puns to the "captive audience" in the dungeon involving red hot pokers and a potty with wicked spikes protruding from it - the "torture chamber"!
 * The duel between Ye Black Knight (the planner) and Ye Goodies for the control of Camelot, including Bill's fluky archery and kebab-making talents (with a relieved Tim walking away only to find that Bill has also skewered his hair, leaving him as a baldy!), Graeme using the Excalibur sword - still embedded in a huge rock - which drops from a great height to KO the Black Knight just as he is about to be impaled, the jousting using the trandem (which the Goodies lose convincingly) Bill's Woody Woodpecker impersonation in chipping a tree branch from under the enemy and Graeme using a huge magnet to remove the weapons and armour from the Black Knight, but which also latches onto the bus bringing Uncle King Arthur and relatives back from their holiday.

Trivia
This episode featured extensive location filming at Bodiam Castle.

Goodies Songs

 * Taking You Back